We’ve all been there. A casual afternoon scrolling Instagram suddenly, without warning, turns into a minor depressive spiral filled with feelings of insecurity. The culprit? FOMO, or “fear of missing out.” Videos of groups of gays gathered poolside while EDM music pulsates in the background, photos of your peers gathered scantily clad at a house party, or large groups posing for a photo at a bar with drinks in hand all serve as a stark reminder that you’re not there joining in on the fun. Then suddenly, just as you begin to instinctively resent the people in these photos and videos, you realize that you, respectfully, probably wouldn’t have even accepted the invitation to join in the first place.
Just because you’re lucky enough to be a member of the LGBTQ+ community, it doesn’t necessarily mean you automatically fit into the boxes that social media and pop culture would lead us to think we should. Perhaps you don’t enjoy loud spaces, prefer one-on-one connection, have social anxiety that makes group settings unbearable, or any other variety of reasons for feeling like you don’t fit in. For the gays who simultaneously suffer from FOMO, but also don’t necessarily always find joy or fulfillment in the typical queer social settings, there are a few ways to combat the emotional rollercoaster of feeling on the outskirts, while also finding fulfillment in other ways.
Tip 1: Utilize the power to mute accounts.
Unfollowing accounts on Instagram that unintentionally trigger you with their posts can be a bit too permanent for some. However, there’s no harm nor foul in embracing the idea of “out of sight, out of mind.” Enter the ever useful Instagram mute button! This is arguably the most effective way to avoid seeing posts that have the potential to make you feel left out of the mix. Simply go to the person’s account, click the Following button, tap Mute and select Stories, Posts, or both!
Enjoying a night in on the couch with your streaming service of choice can easily be disrupted by seeing photos and videos that show aspirational scenes of gay society. But if you eliminate the possibility of seeing said posts altogether, you avoid falling into the trap of FOMO on a Saturday night.
Tip 2: Find your crew.
You’re absolutely not alone if you feel like you don’t fit into the textbook spaces that we are indoctrinated to believe a majority of gay men occupy. And despite our straight friends being special in their own way, sometimes you really just need to connect with other gays on a friendship level.
If you’re fortunate enough to live in a city that has special interest groups or meetups, such as gay sports leagues, book clubs, etc., find one that suits you best and connect with other like-minded gays! Putting yourself out there and bonding with others based on mutual interests is a healthy and fun way to find your people. It can, however, be exhausting putting yourself out there, so listen to your mind and body and do what makes you feel comfortable, while also getting out of your shell a little bit—don’t deprive others of getting to meet your amazing self!
Not ready for IRL meetups? If only there was a gay dating app with a feature meant specifically for finding your crew…! Archer makes it easy to connect with others from the comfort of your own home with the brand-new Communities feature where you can connect on shared interests, from fitness to foodies.
Tip 3: Embrace a hobby.
Putting your phone down and doing something you love is not only a great way to avoid FOMO triggers, but it also serves as a refreshing digital detox. Time flies when you’re having fun and sometimes that can manifest in a solo creative venture, fitness regime, losing yourself in a good book, or another vice that helps you simultaneously log off for a bit and feel a sense of joy and accomplishment.
Happy distractions, like individual hobbies, are a great way to remind yourself of what truly brings you comfort and fulfillment. Constantly having to remind yourself that the big gay group settings aren’t necessarily what make you happy, and yet still yearning to feel part of the community, can be exhausting. Learning to truly be happy in your own skin, enjoying your unique interests despite what anyone says or thinks, and standing in your independence is a better feeling than any other person can provide!
Tip 4: Foster the friendships you have.
Getting caught up in searching for the next best thing, or trying to assimilate into a new group, can be tempting. Fixating on the parties you aren’t at, the friend groups you aren’t a part of, and the culture you feel like you need to adopt in order to be deemed worthy within the gay community can be mentally taxing. We can often be so jaded by resenting the fact that we don’t fit into a certain mold, that we neglect to appreciate the people in our lives that already love us and provide happiness and support.
Everyone’s bandwidth for friendships is different, but oftentimes quality trumps quantity. Invest in the friendships that mean the most to you now, that way when you start to branch out, any new additions to your friend groups will be positive added bonuses. Continuously seeking validation and trying to contort yourself to fit in with the people you see come across your Instagram timeline or on your Explore page can ultimately prove to be a major time suck. Lean into existing friendships and remind yourself how lucky you are to have people who love and care about you—and aren’t focused on how many shots you can take, or what you look like in a Speedo.
Tip 5: Treat yourself!
FOMO freaking sucks! Wallowing in sadness can be beneficial—it’s good to feel your feelings; afterall, mental health is a major aspect of men’s health. However, once you’ve picked yourself up, you are more than deserving to splurge on a little treat to help make yourself feel better.
Whether it’s watching reality TV while sitting on your couch, buying a guilty pleasure sweet treat, or splurging on a massage, investing in self-care is a nice and simple way to remind yourself that feelings of FOMO are fleeting and coping with them comes in many forms, so do what works best for you.
